The McRib...

I wouldn't get my lips too close to that! You might get crabs or something.

CAUTION: You may find this post offensive, if you are easily offended over mild language, or have a despicable habit of eating garbage.

It's a Christmas miracle indeed. The McRib is back! Yes, you heard right! Go! Rejoice! For the McRib is back. The McRib had it's final "farewell tour" years ago, but like all great ideas you can't keep a good one down, (i.e. Fast and Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, etc. ) and then like a thief in the night it was gone again. Mourn no more, the time is now my friends to rejoice in the succulent flavor of a barbecue pork sandwich that is "The McRib." Take heed though, as quickly as this comes it shall surely be taken away. I recommend hording McRib sandwiches whenever possible, you never know how long they will be selling them and they store surprisingly well. Buying as many as you can when you can, is the only way to keep you and your loved ones properly fortified with the McRib on a regular basis. When acquiring your McRib storage it is always recommended to keep them in cold storage, it is always better to be prepared then to be without, the McRib is no exception.

Sure you can go to 'Famous Daves' or 'Goodwood' and get barbecue pork, but they won't go through the trouble of pressing the "meat" into a convenient rib shaped patty now will they? Thats not all though, with the McRib you also get approx. one gallon per rib patty of barbecue sauce, now that's service!

Ok, seriously though! The McRib? More like the McVomit! Look at it. It's looks disgusting, if I were ever close enough to one I'm sure it smells disgusting too. Even if it wasn't rancid pork meat compressed into an unnatural rib shaped patty, would you still want it? The answer is no, because the words "rib" and "sandwich" do not belong in the same title, furthermore, the preface "Mc" shouldn't belong on any food as it has become synonymous with trash and garbage. Food would be more appetizing with an STD prefacing it, than it is with the forename "Mc", we can call it "ChlamRibia" or "GonnoRibea", see, it already sounds better.

I mean, what was McDonalds thinking? I can just picture the new product development conference meeting now:

Ronald: "What are some more ways we can completely disgust our consumers and still stay profitable....come on people I want you to think outside of the box?!?"

Grimace: "Well, would if we take the dirtiest, most disease infested animal we can think of, chop up all the unwanted and unusable innards into tiny little bits & pieces and squeeze them all into a nice little rib shaped mold, nuke it, fry it, slap it on a bun and call it good."

Ronald: "Great idea Grimace, but what are we going to do with the putrid "pork" taste?"

Grimace: "Easy, we just paste a whole crapload of barbecue sauce and onions on it to hide the spoiled taste."

Ronald: "Very pleasing Grimace, maybe you're not as big of pussy as I thought you were! I've got big plans for you! Hamburglar, take Grimace to my office, I think he's finally ready for Project X."

Hamburglar: "Like the movie starring Matthew Broderick with all the monkeys?"

Ronald: "Of course not the movie you idiot!"

-2 hours later in Ronald's office -

Ronald: "...Now Grimace, do you think you and the buttburglar over here can handle this task I have appointed you?"

Grimace: "Well, yeah, I'm just not sure we should take out such a highly public figure as the "Burger King." I mean, would if Mayor McCheese finds out?"

Ronald: "Do you think the Mayor owns me? I'M RUNNING THE SHOW NOW! I'm sick of being the court jester for him and that red-headed whore of his. By the time Mayor McCheese wraps his fat head around this it will be too late! There's a new sheriff in town boys! Hahahahaha! NOW GET OUT!"

"Oh, on your way out, can you please call Birdie and the Fry Kids in. And ummm, I think it goes without saying, don't mention any of this to Officer Big Mac. Thanks a bunch."

Why do I care...

Recently I was cleaning out some stuff in storage and I came across one of those Pinpoint Office Toys. The little boy saw it and was instantly mesmerized. He could not run fast enough to get all of his spiderman, hulk, ninja turtle, etc. action figures to press against the pins. I was pretty amazed at how fascinated he was over the whole ordeal. Given the fact that he is only 2 1/2 I decided it'd be better if he did not make that a regular toy of his, I was a little afraid that he would drop the fairly heavy, mostly metal object on his toes or something. He nevertheless gained more interest in the "toy", so being as it is almost Christmas, he decided to ask Santa Claus for the toy.

Well, lo and behold, Santa came through and in fact gave it to him a little early at the family Christmas party. This one of course is made completely of plastic and represents less of danger to my little boy. I do however have a few problems with the packaging and marketing of this said product.

First off, it's in one of those impossibly hard to open plastic sealed clam shells. You know, the ones that you either damage the original product by trying to force open it or by the scissors you are using. If you don't end up damaging the original product your bound to be lacerated by the razor like edges of the ripped polyvinyl plastic, and there is absolutely no escaping the multiple curse words you will use during the opening process. Besides, why does it have to be in one of those packages anyway, it isn't used to deter theft in any manner, and it certainly isn't protecting the pins from being damaged seeing as those were openly exposed. Needless to say, I only bent back my thumb nail while opening it.

My second complaint is that it explicitly advertises it as having 1000 pins. Now, I'm no Rain Man and I'm not even going to explain how it took multiple attempts to pass college algebra, but at first glance I could tell there was not 1000 pins (no less "Over 1000 pins!"). So, using a simple math technique I was able to retain from elementary, I multiplied the columns by the rows. 42 x 15 = 630.

Why would they advertise it as "Over 1000 pins!"? Did they think no one was going to figure it out? Furthermore, why does it even matter how many pins? I can't see the amount of pins being a determining factor on my purchase! It serves it's purpose as being eye-candy and an otherwise utterly useless object. So...why do I care?

Jaxon playing with his new toy:

.
P.S. The original metal one does indeed have over 1000 pins, to be exact 21 X 55 = 1155.

This blog is moving..........kinda...

To Whom it may concern,

To the 5 people, 4 lurkers, and 1 werewolf that follows this blog: I will be separating my rants and reviews from my personal life. The new home for all things personal will be "http://benhymas.blogspot.com/", due to the creepy fact that devious minds exist and snoop around in places like this for freely available information it will be invite only. So if you want an invite, you know how to reach me...or you can leave a comment.

This should be a good move, as it will allow me to post pictures and such of my family on the private blog and continue to post my sarcastic rants on this blog. Maybe I'll even post more than once a quarter.

Why I'm voting for Obama...

Uh oh. Here comes a political post, rest assured whether you agree with me or not it will still follow my sarcastic format...

Top 13 Reasons Why I'm Voting for Obama

1. Because he is half white.
2. Because socialism (Marxism) is good and has such a great track record, while capitalism has continually failed us.
3. Because he has more experience then the Republican VP nominee.
4. Because no foreign policy is better than a foreign policy...wait...what's a foreign policy?
5. Because it proves I am not a racist.
6. Because all change is good, even if it isn't clearly defined.
7. Because abortion and infanticide has never been better, and with our help easier and abundant!
8. Because I enjoy being forced to pay more taxes for the non-taxpayers...I call it neighborliness.
   
9. Because we do not need our local government as much as we need an immensely larger Federal Government to help hold our hands on all things we do.
10. Because voting 97% far-left does not make you a party hack, it makes you a reformer!
11. Because voting 'Present' is just as good as voicing your real opinion.
12. Because it's never too early to teach our children about sex. Besides, I'd much rather have the school system make those "awkward" conversations for me! [The actual bill]
13. Because he has such a great sense of judgment when it comes to social colleagues.

Now speaking politically....what the hell? We bail out mulit-billion dollar companies over the corrupt Congressional mistakes, and no one goes down for it?!? Why do we cry about Enron scandal punishment when the largest scandal in American history is happening right before our eyes, and NO ONE is being punished?





Do I think the end of the world is nigh if Obama is elected? No. Will it be any better if McCain is elected? Maybe. The sad fact is, we, unfortunately received the bottom of the barrel nominees...again.

John Mcain ---------------- Sarah Palin
Barack Obama ------------- Joe Biden

At the movies...

Ok, so I go to California for a business trip a few weeks ago. I had to go a day early because if I booked the flight the day of the meeting I would've been an hour late. So I book my flight, the cheapest one of the day (by a few hundred dollars mind you), and it lands 8:30 am Pacific Time. Well, I get to California, and I realize I have a complete day I need to burn through---somehow, I don't think the local Holiday Inn that I'm staying in will suffice!

After a long fight with my ego, I decide I have absolutely nothing to do and no one to see. I decided to do what I vowed never to do....yep, I went to a movie, in the theatres.....alone!

Turns out, going to the movie alone situation wasn't near as bad as I had once thought; however, there were plenty of things I noticed and not particularly fond of about going to the movies.....and people in general. I'll share a few:

First off. Here I am sitting in the theatre waiting for the movie to start. I'm watching the static screen advertisements scroll by, thinking about how hokey the advertisements really are, then reading the "fun facts" about "X actor/acctess", listening the to the idiots in the audience try to answer them! When finally, the lights dim, and the trailers start. Why do people generally like the trailers? I suppose it's because the movie might end up being crap, but the trailers at the beginning are always exciting.

Anyway, here I am getting myself ready to watch the trailers, and...what....? More commercials? Aren't we already saturated on a daily basis by a plethora of commercials? We can't even watch streaming video on websites, without watching commercials. We have advertisements lining the borders of every webpage, we have browsers underlining every "keyword" with a link,and now our movies are infected; technically, isn't that what a trailer is anyway....when's it gonna stop!?!? Well, it's not going to stop...no not until they can somehow figure out how to transmit advertisements in our dreams! Who are "they" anyway, well, you don't wanna know!

Back to the topic at hand. I come across a

vile advertisement, it never fails to get a couple of chuckles...but I for one have a problem with it. The commercial, I am confident most of you have seen, includes a mother giving the phone to her little boy while in bed so that Daddy can say goodnight...or something like that....then Martin Scorsese comes in and interrupts the 'scene', starts telling everyone how they need to act and feel, all the while everyone is looking clueless with that ever so present "what the hell is this old guy doing in my house" look, that one comes across rarely on a day to day basis.

Awkward music chimes in and in simple white text is says: "We won't interrupt your phone calls.”

Followed by: “Please don't interrupt our movies.” Ahahahaha, isn't it so funny...shutup!

Well excuse me Mr. Scorsese, who the eff do you think you are? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but, last I checked, I am paying to watch your movies. I'll tell you what, when you decide to start paying for my cell phone bill, you can then start interrupting my calls.

And you, yes you AT&T. Did you finally start feeling bad about the enormous epidemic you've thrown onto this nation, this world? Where everyone has a cell phone and you can't get anything done without it. Where it is impossible to get through a movie without someone's cell phone going off (worse yet, someone answering it). Even if they don't answer it, they end up opening the retina blinding screen so they can text their BFF Jill where they're at; Yippee, now you can count on text central going on every two minutes for the remainder of the movie. If it isn't the inevitable brain tumours we will all acquire, it is definitely an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia, a world of instant access and 100% accountability of your whereabouts...but that's another rant!

The lost slide.

One Small Step...

'The longest journey begins with one small step.' So....wouldn't a picture of Neil Armstrong putting on his space suit , or the crew of Apollo 11 training be more appropriate then a picture of Buzz Aldrin standing in front of the flag? Technically speaking, isn't that the "giant leap" or the end of the "journey"? Am I the only one this critical?


Here's a more appropriate billboard in my messed up eyes!


Here's another one I made for all of our stupid moon hoax conspiracy theory idiot friends out there....you know who you are!